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Kim Kardashian’s Cheeky Intruder

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It’s no secret that Jennifer Lopez’s buttocks have been dethroned as the reigning awe-inspiring celebrity arse. Kim Kardashian’s posterior has left J-Lo’s cheeks in the budonkadust. Miss Kardashian suffered an embarrassment recently (no, not that one) when her custom-prepared Surinam cockroach brooch broke escaped from its chain and headed straight for browner pastures. Remarked Kim, “When you have an ass as fantastically phat as mine, you have to be prepared for the inevitable - creatures moving into it.” So the backside tenant was part of the Kardashian master plan then. Fascinating. Although we’re not entirely certain if she’s referring to the roach or “rapper” Ray-J. In which case a more accurate description would be “moving in and out“. In and out. In and out.

KIM KARDASHIAN’S BUTT EXPLODES

LAS VEGAS -   Tragedy struck Kim Kardashian last night on a private flight from New Jersey to Las Vegas.  Her left butt cheek exploded.
Many have debated for years whether Kardashian has had butt implants or not, but the proof was in the rupturing last night when Kim’s pilot took the Gulfstream 5 above 38,000 feet to avoid turbulence.  When implant fly above this altitude they have been known  to rupture, and that’s exactly what happened to Kardashian.  As she reached for her third deep-fried Oreo cookie, she felt a “bang” in her butt.  She was sitting next to the new man in her life, Miles Austin, the 25-year-old Dallas wide receiver (whose been doing just that with Kim).
The implant burst and her cheek immediately began to sag.  Pilots cleared the runway for an emergency landing at North Las Vegas Airport.  Kim was taken to Sunrise Hospital on Maryland Parkway. Her sisters, Khloe and Kourtney and mother, Kris, all rushed to the hospital to be with Kim.  Luckily they were all nearby at their new boutique at the Mirage, Kardashian Khaos.
There almost was total chaos at the hospital when the staff was unable to find a female plastic surgeon whose first name began with the letter “K” (as Kris demanded) but soon Dr. Karen Engeman showed up and replaced Kim’s left cheek implant.  “We’ve had a few cases like this before.  It’s not always safe to fly with her butt filled with silicone, but Kim’s a brave woman.”    Austin was the first one to slap Kim’s new left cheek.  “It felt good.”  He said.
Kim is resting at her Las Vegas home today and is expected to make a “full” recovery.  Austin, on the other hand, feels that this tragic accident was not due to Implant Altitude Syndrome (IAS), but instead was something more nefarious.  “Reggie Bush is behind this.”  Austin said.  “He wants to get back at Kim for dumping him, but it’s not gonna work.  She’s mine now. All of her.  Both cheeks.”  When WWN asked Austin how he thinks Bush planted the butt IED, Austin said, “Reggie’s always been a sneaking guy.  Remember the Bush Push?  Well, somehow he snuck into the hotel we were staying at in New Jersey, knocked us out with rufies or something and then injected some explosive serum into her left butt cheek.  They he paid off the pilots and had them fly too high. The man is sick jealous!”
When Bush was asked about Austin’s accusations he said, “What?  He better watch his mouth. I’ll blow up his ass next!”
Doctors advise all women with butt implants to speak with their plastic surgeon before boarding another plane.  “You don’t want to be in that mile-high club,”  Dr. John Malley said.
Even with this explosive new information, there are STILL some who refuse to believe Kim has (or had) butt implants.  In an effort to help our readers decide for themselves, we’ve included some pictures for you to examine.  Study them carefully and let us know what you think.

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Melina Kanakaredes Falls for a Creepy Co-Star

CSI: New York jumped on the brooch bandwagon last month when they featured one of our very own tiny thespians on an episode entitled Of Wine and Roaches. When shooting wrapped, Melina Kanakaredes asked if she could keep the unique prop and recently wore her new friend - whom she has named Constantinides after her husband - on Late Night with David Letterman. Melina told Dave that she much preferred letting the roach crawl around in her dressing room as opposed to Carmine Giovinazzo.

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Melina Kanakaredes Falls for a Creepy Co-Star

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Uma Thurman Has a Message For Ethan Hawke.

Ethan Hawke bought this Nicaraguan Banana Roach Brooch for Uma shortly before they parted ways in 2003. Ms. Thurman still wears the jewelry on special occasions, usually to high profile Hollywood movie premieres. Industry insiders have hinted that the pin is now worn by Uma as a secret message to Hawke when she’s certain he’s at home alone, watching her on TV. The message is likely “fuck you you cheating bastard, have fun with that jar of vaseline and made-for-TV movie roles.” But we’re paraphrasing.

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Reader Mail: We’re Utterly Disturbing.

Dawn writes: Is this a joke? This has to be a joke!! This is one of the most inhumane, grotesque and utterly disturbing things I have seen the human race do to a defenseless living being in the name of “fashion” and “entertainment” in a while. This has to be a joke.Dawn, we’ll never tell. Now get yourself a roach.

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Michelle Damon Feels The Love. And A Roach.

The hot word on the grimy Bowery street is that Michelle Damon is absolutely thrilled with her and husband Johnny’s recent relocation to New York City. Now a Yankee after a long stint with the Boston Red Sox, Johnny’s fortunes have grown even larger - so we were hardly surprised when he called and ordered a Roach Brooch for his lovely bride. We agreed to provide him a lifelong supply of the little buggers, in return for his Red Sox Tickets. Johnny readily agreed, and you’ll now be able to see the RB crew behind home plate. Actually, it’s quite a ways behind home plate - across the street at the Cask N’ Flagon. It would appear Johnny’s not quite as popular in Boston as he used to be.

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Hate Mail: Send Them to the Stockades!

“I certainly hope animal rights activists get involved with this one. It’s absolutely disgusting that living creatures are subjected to this torture and cruelty. The people who design and those would buy this pathetic excuse for jewellery should be subjected to something equally as disgusting. The stockades of the 16th century come to mind.”
Thanks for the email, Pamela. You do realize it’s a cockroach, right? Most of the people who have purchased these keep them in terrariums and give them a life much better than the average roach will have in the “wild”.

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Carmen Electra Hisses with the New Hotness.

Miss Electra has been one of the first big name celebrities to purchase one of our new Madagascar Hissing Cockroach Brooches - which feature glued on trinkets and comes with a pin and chain. After you pin the brooch to your clothing, and attach the chain, the live roach is free to wander about your chest at its discretion. We were impressed with Carmen’s lack of revulsion at the new fad, but then remembered her track record. Dennis Rodman, Prince and Dave Navarro have been creeping and crawling around her cans collectively for over a decade.

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Ashlee Simpson Loves Boob Tape & Brooches.

Boob tape, so popular amongst celebrities who need to keep their flimsy dresses, gowns and costumes from embarassing slippage, is now being used for securing jewelry. In this photo, Ashlee Simpson can be seen wearing one of our signature brooches at the 2005 MTV VMAs - a good half inch above her neckline. Shortly after this photo was taken, Ashlee was hit so hard on her bare skin with a flyswatter that she had to wear one of Jessica’s turtlenecks for several weeks afterwards. This inadvertently inspired last year’s short lived series, “Pimp My Neck”, hosted by Andy Dick.

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Don’t Let Rick Soloman’s Bed Bugs Bite

Nothing quite puts the damper on a relationship with famous parents like the leak of a filthy sex video onto the internet. It’s worse when the guy who’s schtupping you is a good foot shorter and wearing a hat that looks like it was discarded hastily by one of the Fat Boys when they saw an ice cream truck. If you look very carefully at this still from Paris Hilton’s infamous sex tape, you’ll notice a Roach Brooch original that we made for her lying on the bed in the background. We have it on good authority that when Rick Solomon found this the next morning, he went out and purchased enough Rid to delouse Tiajuana.

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That’s Not A Jolie Rancher, Maddox.

Although he was raised on them in his native Cambodia, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have attempted to discourage adopted son Maddox from snacking on insects. Part of the process has been to outfit him with one of our shellaced and petrified celebrity brooches, as the extra gloss makes for a truly revolting taste. But then when you’re raised on bugs, revolting is apparently a very relative term. Little Maddox has also recently been given a mohawk in an attempt to keep him from listening to Rancid.

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